Forever Alone

There are no words to describe how I feel right now. It's as if the magnetic poles on the Earth changed position and everything is out of whack. Everything is unbalanced. How quickly things can change and did change is unbelievable. I thought I was torn up about Katie's death, but this is ten times worse. A million times worse. For how much I loved Katie, I loved Ray even more. It's so hard. It's so hard to comprehend and wrap my mind around what just happened. I don't want to think about it, and yet, that's all I can think about. There's no one I can talk to. No one that will listen. No one that understands what I'm going through. I want it all to end. I want it all to go away. I want to go away. I don't want to be here anymore. If only I could press a button and get it all back. I had everything: I had the girl of my dreams and we had a plan. I had a caring, harmless brother and he mattered to me. It seemed like they were the only two who understood me and who would listen to me. Now, they're both gone...

Silence is Deafening

People just don't understand what I have to go through every day with my deaf brother. Every day I have to communicate with someone who can't even hear what I have to say. Growing up, I learned sign language which made it easier to talk to him, but it is still not nearly the same as having a normal conversation with someone. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother, I love him so much. it is just sometimes I wish that he was normal. And I know, that is an awful thing to say, but it's hard, it really is. And the way people look at him and react when he comes into a room, it feels like the entire atmosphere of the room changes. They think that they have to act differently around him just because of his hearing deficiency. It is like the times I go into Katie's dad's store. I can feel the tension in the air. And I know part of that is because he hates me, but I've also begun to notice the looks he gives my brother. It's like he is scared of him or something. He doesn't know my brother though, my brother wouldn't hurt a soul. I love him so much. I just wish people could see my brother the way I see him.

Sign Language Basics : Sign Language: Introducing Yourself

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Stressed and Confused

The cops are coming after me. They think I killed Katie Marcus. That's right, the only girl I've ever loved and they think I killed her. I'm still choked up about the loss and yet, the cops are pounding me with questions. They make it seem like I'm their only suspect. It's like, what about Bobby O'Donnell or Roman? They actually have a motive. Bobby was jealous of me. He's the one who killed her. If he couldn't have her than no one could, so he killed her. They even made me take a lie detector test. Four times. And, I passed them all of course. You'd think after 4 negative tests they would see that I clearly didn't do it. Who knows what they're thinking though. Nobody. I feel like cops have a different way of thinking than everyone else. They can never accept the truth and always suspect everyone. I guess that's good though, I mean that's why they're cops. But still, I don't understand why they are coming after me. I can't even tell you how much I miss Katie. That's what is making this situation so much worse. Every time the cops question me about "the night", it only brings back memories of her and I really can't think about that right now. It's too hard. Everything seems so hard right now. I feel like giving up.